Insanity
by Ulquiorra
Summary: Yumichika is sent to the human world to deal with an arrancar. Turns out the one he has to fight is Ulquiorra. Watch as Yumichika tortures our poor Ulquiorra by making him... wear leather pants? And was that Ulquiorra SQUEALING? Ohh snap. [Madness ahead]


**Important: This contains spoilers about Ulquiorra's last name and rank. Do not read if you don't know it yet and don't want it ruined for you.**

**Alright, here's a new oneshot. XD **

**I wrote this one during class today, for my friend Sarina. We were talking at school about crazy pairings (because we're total nerds XD), and she thought of Yumichika/Ulquiorra. Personally, I'd LOVE it if someone tried an actual yaoi story with that pairing. I tried, but I couldn't do it right, so this is how it came out.  
It's not a pairing fic, but it deals with the two of them, and I suppose I did an okay job on it… but read it and tell me what you think :D And if anyone **_**would**_** try a fic about those two together, I'D LOVE YOU FOREVER! **

_I do not own Bleach or any of the characters. _

Warning: MAJOR OOC Ulquiorra (and a little bit of OOC Aizen), a psychotic Yumichika, and scary babyish nicknames. Yup, yup. Super scary stuff.

* * *

"_Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaat_?!" A voice was heard through all of Soul Society, sending some odd looks up to the 11th Divison headquarters. Inside, Yumichika was gaping at Ikkaku, who had just told him of a new mission. 

"Are you serious?" Yumichika complained. "How come _I _have to go fight the stupid Arrancar?"

"Everyone else is busy, Yumichika! Plus, you haven't had a mission all week."

"Fiiine!" Yumichika pouted. "There's only one of the bastards, right?" he sighed. Ikkaku nodded.

"Alright, see you. Man… I was about to do my hair, too…" Yumichika conjured a portal, taking a Hell Butterfly with him as he walked in, heading towards the human world.

Once he was on the other side, Yumichika sighed again and exited the gate, looking around.

"Helloooo! Arrancaaaaaaar! Come out you little Shinigami wannabe!" he sang.

"They expect me to fight _you_?" Yumichika whirled around to see an Arrancar sitting on a building roof, one knee up with his elbow resting on it. He leaned his chin on his palm. He had long black hair, with the remains of a Hollow's mask on the left side of his head. It looked a lot like a Vasto Lorde's mask, Yumichika noticed. He had very pale skin and bright green eyes that stood out, with thin lines trailing down his cheeks, like blue tears. He had on a plain white Arrancar uniform, and his Zanpakuto was hidden in his coat. Yumichika blinked a couple times.

"You're… the Arrancar?"

"Yes, Cuatro Espada, Ulquiorra Schiffer." The Arrancar replied, hopping down gracefully from the building, landing in front of Yumichika.

"You're…" Yumichika breathed. "_.. SOOO CUTE_!" he squealed, glomping Ulquiorra, clinging to him tightly. Ulquiorra's eyes widened as he was taken aback.

"Ex…excuse me?" he said slowly.

"I can't believe they sent someone as cute as you!" Yumichika put his hands on Ulquiorra's shoulders and leaned back, looking at him and grinning. "You're so adorable! Look at those little lines!" he traced a finger on one of Ulquiorra's line marks on his cheeks. Ulquiorra's eyes trailed down to look at the finger in disgust.

"Don't touch me, Shinigami."

"Aww, come on Ulquiorra! Wow, what a pretty name!" Yumichika continued to squeal, grabbing Ulquiorra's thin wrist and dragging him along the streets. "Let's go get you some new clothes! Those don't suit you at all."

"I thought we were supposed to be fighting!" Ulquiorra couldn't help but yell, extremely confused. "What are you – " Ulquiorra was cut off as Yumichika pulled him into a store. Obviously, the people inside couldn't see them, so when the door opened, they looked at it oddly.

"What to get, what to get…" Yumichika hummed as he dragged Ulquiorra around, looking at the millions of racks of clothes.

"Shinigami, we're – "

"My name is Yumichika! Ayasegawa Yumichika!" Yumichika grinned. Ulquiorra blinked.

"That's nice. Now, Shini – "

"Yumichika."

"…_Yumichika_," Ulquiorra sighed, wrinkling his nose in disgust. "I'd like it if we just fought now, instead of going on this foolish… I don't know exactly what this is, but I'd rather not be doing it."

"Oh, don't be stubborn, Ulqui-chan. We're getting you some new clothes!"

"…Ulqui-chan?"

"What, you don't like it? How about U-chan? Or 'Quiorra? Or even Schiffy-chan!"

"…I'd prefer if you just fought with me and left."

"But that's no fun!" Yumichika pouted. Ulquiorra raised an eyebrow at the odd expression, one he had never seen before.

"Aha!" Yumichika pulled out a black button up shirt, and black leather pants. The cashier's eyes widened. She couldn't see them, so all she saw was two items of clothing floating in the air. She, along with the other humans, screamed and ran out of the store. Yumichika looked around and shrugged. He then dragged Ulquiorra into a changing room and pushed him in, throwing the clothes over the door.

"Try them on, U-chan!"

"…"

"…You better put those on, or I'll come in there and do it myself!"

Suddenly, Yumichika heard the rustling of clothes and smiled to himself, satisfied.

A few moments later, Ulquiorra walked out, looking down at himself in disgust. Yumichika frowned. He walked over and unbuttoned some of the buttons on the shirt. Ulquiorra had buttoned them all up to his neck. Once they were only half-buttoned, showing off the top of his pale chest, Yumichika smiled and looked at him again. He squealed at the pants. They were leather, so they were obviously tight. They squeezed his curves, and showed off his thin legs. Ulquiorra looked up at Yumichika with confused eyes.

"You look cute! Much better! … If only you didn't have that stupid hole in your neck…" he dragged Ulquiorra out of the shop, pulling him down the streets once again.

"Shiniga… Yumichika, please. I wish to simply fight and be on my way. Aizen-sama – "

"Screw Aizen-_sama_." Yumichika huffed. "Let's go see a movie!"

"A… movie?"

"Yeah, c'mon Ulqui-chan!"

-------------------**Ten hours later**-------------------

"Where is that idiot Ulquiorra?" Grimmjow grumbled, pacing back and forth outside of Aizen's room. "He was supposed to come back with a report _hours_ ago! I _knew_ that idiot couldn't be depended on for anything! … Aizen-sama is going to be so pissed…" he groaned, slapping a palm to his forehead.

He was supposed to report to Aizen with Ulquiorra when Ulquiorra came back from his mission, but Ulquiorra _still_ wasn't back, and Grimmjow didn't want to go into Aizen's room alone. Aizen was probably angry beyond belief. Going in now would be _suicide_!

Suddenly, a hole ripped in the air and Ulquiorra stepped out, landing on the tiles.

"_Finally,_ you idiot! Aizen-sama is … what the hell are you wearing?" Grimmjow blinked, noticing Ulquiorra's new clothes. Ulquiorra looked up at Grimmjow with his normal emotionless eyes, then suddenly, they brightened and Ulquiorra grinned widely. Grimmjow took a step backward.

"Grimmy!" Ulquiorra squealed. (_Squealed_? '_Grimmy_'? Grimmjow thought he was going insane.) Ulquiorra rushed up to Grimmjow and hugged him tightly.

"Ulqui…orra…Are you alright?" Grimmjow asked uneasily when Ulquiorra broke away from him and began to bounce up and down a bit.

"Yup, yup! I'm perfectly fine!" Ulquiorra grinned. "I had _so_ much fun today with Yumi-chan. We – "

"…Yumi-chan? What the fuck? You were supposed to get info from whatever Shinigami followed you, then kill them!"

"But that's no fun, Grimmy." Ulquiorra pouted. Grimmjow grimaced. Ulquiorra _pouting_?

"…Ulquiorra, what Shinigami came after you?"

"Yumichika Ayasegawa! He's _soooo_ – "

"Ugh! That prettyboy? No wonder! What the hell did he brainwash you with?!"

"Brainwash? What are you talking about, Grimmy?" Ulquiorra tilted his head to the side and looked at him curiously.

"N-never mind… Snap out of it, Ulquiorra. 'kay? Aizen-sama won't be pleased with what you've done. Not that I care, really. But now _I'll_ be in trouble too."

"Ai-chan won't get mad! All I did was have a bit of fun!" Ulquiorra whined. "We never get to do any fun things here, it's not fair!"

"…_Ai-chan_? Ulquiorra, you've really gone mad."

"Grimmy, that's not very ni – "

"_ULQUIORRA! GRIMMJOW!" _Aizen's roar could be heard for miles; it wouldn't be surprising if even some of Soul Society heard a faint yell. Grimmjow ducked his head. They were _so screwed._

"Hmm, I wonder what Ai-chan wants…" Ulquiorra hummed, skipping over to the door and pushing it open.

"Ulquiorra, no - !"

"_Aiiiiiii-chaaaaaaaaan_!" Ulquiorra sang, skipping in. The door shut behind him and Grimmjow quickly ran. There was _no way_ he was getting caught up in this.

----

About an hour after, Noitora came into the room where Grimmjow was relaxing.

"Aizen-sama wants you, Grimmjow." Noitora said simply, leaving after that. Grimmjow's eyes widened. _Shit_.

Grimmjow made sure to walk the slowest he could to Aizen's room, feeling fear beginning to fill him. Once he reached the door many minutes later, he took a deep breath, and pushed them open.

When he walked in, he saw Aizen sitting in his throne, looking down in thought, and Ulquiorra beside him, looking down. So the idiot was still alive? Then maybe …

"Grimmjow…" Aizen's voice broke Grimmjow's thoughts.

"Y-yes, Aizen-sama?"

"I just wanted you to know…" Aizen said slowly, making Grimmjow afraid. What was he going to say to him? Aizen looked up, his light brown eyes examining Grimmjow. He stood up and walked towards the Sexta Espada slowly, making him shiver a bit. Was this the end of him?

"That… you're…"

"… Yes?" Grimmjow gulped.

"_SOOOOO CUTE_!" Aizen squealed, hugging Grimmjow tightly, whose eyes widened.

"Wh-what?!"

"Isn't he, Ai-chan?" Ulquiorra skipped beside Aizen and grinned. Aizen began to giggle.

"Let's do Grimmy's hair!" he sang.

"_N-no_! Not you too, Aizen-sama!"

"Please, call me Ai-chan!"

"_NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO_!!!!"

For the rest of the night, Grimmjow's screams of horror could be heard throughout all of Hueco Mundo.

* * *

**Lol, you see how bored I get during class now. XD Anyway, this took me less than 40 minutes, so it's really rushed and stuff, so yeah. Hope you liked it! XD Please review!  
By the way, anybody want me to write a oneshot for them? I'm running out of ideas, and I'd really like to write some for people! If you want me to, go ahead and send a message! **


End file.
